the new face of Cray and Mede
It's interesting to watch my own neuroses bleed into the characters that I've considered for years to be my avatars.
The changing dynamic of the relationship between my two longest-standing heroes, Cray Era and Mede Philoan, is particularly telling. Back in the beginning of high school, I identified almost solely with Cray (even going to far at times as to consider him my "alter-ego"), a goofy, bumbling, but ultimately well-intentioned young lad. His girlfriend, Mede, had been his best friend for pretty much the entirety of their acquaintance (which was pretty much the entirety of their lives), and they were both wholely devoted to each other while simultaneously maintaining their own independent identities (evidenced mainly by individual interests and their own independent "occupations," Cray being a writer and Mede being an actress/artist).
Later in high school, when I was in a relationship of my own, their dynamic began to shift, and Cray began to calm down a little and mature while Mede got wilder and more quirky. Mede began to represent the fun, silly, ridiculous parts of my personality, while Cray slowly came to represent to more reserved, level-headed, serious parts of my character. As long as I saw them this way, they still had an equal share in representing me-- and this development was also influenced by my own relationship, as well. I was dating a girl who was far sillier than I was, but whom I loved dearly. Mede represented the part of me that was influenced by my girlfriend, and Cray represented the part of me that maintained my own identity.
Cray and Mede are different people now. Cray's development into a serene, serious-minded individual has continued unabated, and he is now so serious as to be almost chilly. Mede continues to be rambunctious and peppy, and I more and more find myself identifying with her and not with the pair of them.
What's also interesting is the way their relationship has begun to shift-- their history together has not changed, but Cray has become so selfless that he is almost deferential, servile to the girl he loves (who no longer has any kind of real-life counterpart). Mede, though she loves him dearly, is beginning to worry greatly about him. Won't he wake up, she wonders, and begin to care about himself for a change? She does, after all...
What does this mean, this loss of my old avatar's personal identity? Is this somehow significant of a similar change in myself? Certainly I have begun to identify more strongly with Mede over the last several years, so a change in Cray may be less significant than it once was, but it still troubles me. Mede also sort of represented my ideal-- does this mean that I have become so caught up in the pursuit of this ideal that I am neglecting my own identity?
That can't be it-- if nothing else, this year has taught me that I'm really very self-interested, even to the point of insensitivity and narcissism. I'm more worried that this change is representative of a neurotic fear that's been gnawing at me increasingly these days: namely, that any right-minded, independent young woman would never willingly subvert her individuality even to that tiniest degree necessary for a stable relationship. I'm worried that the new dynamic of Cray and Mede's relationship indicates a subconscious belief, on my part, that anybody in a stable relationship must be somehow co-dependent, or at the very least one party involved in the relationship must be. I thought, for a long while after I had broken up with my high-school girlfriend, that I had shaken my belief that a stable relationship was based upon not just desire but need. Now, I'm not so sure. I know, rationally, that this belief is not just foolhardy but dangerous, but I no longer think I've shaken myself of it...
How many of the girls that I've snubbed over the past two years have I turned away because, deep down, I was terrified that they would never need me? And how terribly unfair is that, huh? It's stupid, ridiculous, and even cruel of me to be attracted to intelligent, independent, dynamic girls, and then go ahead and back out because I'm afraid that those very qualities will prevent them from wanting to stay with me?
Ultimately, it's a deep-seated failure of self-esteem on my part. I back out because I'm afraid of being hurt when I commit myself wholly to them and then discover that, ultimately, I'm unable to hold their interest.
I want to give Cray his silly self back, I want to rediscover his independence, and it worries me to think that the only way to do that may be to break him up from Mede for a while, until he recreates himself in my mind. He needs to change; like all characters, he has developed himself in my mind in a manner that is almost independent of my design, but he is me, more so than almost any other character in my mental cast of thousands, and he needs to be like me once more.
As for my own problems... *shrug*
The changing dynamic of the relationship between my two longest-standing heroes, Cray Era and Mede Philoan, is particularly telling. Back in the beginning of high school, I identified almost solely with Cray (even going to far at times as to consider him my "alter-ego"), a goofy, bumbling, but ultimately well-intentioned young lad. His girlfriend, Mede, had been his best friend for pretty much the entirety of their acquaintance (which was pretty much the entirety of their lives), and they were both wholely devoted to each other while simultaneously maintaining their own independent identities (evidenced mainly by individual interests and their own independent "occupations," Cray being a writer and Mede being an actress/artist).
Later in high school, when I was in a relationship of my own, their dynamic began to shift, and Cray began to calm down a little and mature while Mede got wilder and more quirky. Mede began to represent the fun, silly, ridiculous parts of my personality, while Cray slowly came to represent to more reserved, level-headed, serious parts of my character. As long as I saw them this way, they still had an equal share in representing me-- and this development was also influenced by my own relationship, as well. I was dating a girl who was far sillier than I was, but whom I loved dearly. Mede represented the part of me that was influenced by my girlfriend, and Cray represented the part of me that maintained my own identity.
Cray and Mede are different people now. Cray's development into a serene, serious-minded individual has continued unabated, and he is now so serious as to be almost chilly. Mede continues to be rambunctious and peppy, and I more and more find myself identifying with her and not with the pair of them.
What's also interesting is the way their relationship has begun to shift-- their history together has not changed, but Cray has become so selfless that he is almost deferential, servile to the girl he loves (who no longer has any kind of real-life counterpart). Mede, though she loves him dearly, is beginning to worry greatly about him. Won't he wake up, she wonders, and begin to care about himself for a change? She does, after all...
What does this mean, this loss of my old avatar's personal identity? Is this somehow significant of a similar change in myself? Certainly I have begun to identify more strongly with Mede over the last several years, so a change in Cray may be less significant than it once was, but it still troubles me. Mede also sort of represented my ideal-- does this mean that I have become so caught up in the pursuit of this ideal that I am neglecting my own identity?
That can't be it-- if nothing else, this year has taught me that I'm really very self-interested, even to the point of insensitivity and narcissism. I'm more worried that this change is representative of a neurotic fear that's been gnawing at me increasingly these days: namely, that any right-minded, independent young woman would never willingly subvert her individuality even to that tiniest degree necessary for a stable relationship. I'm worried that the new dynamic of Cray and Mede's relationship indicates a subconscious belief, on my part, that anybody in a stable relationship must be somehow co-dependent, or at the very least one party involved in the relationship must be. I thought, for a long while after I had broken up with my high-school girlfriend, that I had shaken my belief that a stable relationship was based upon not just desire but need. Now, I'm not so sure. I know, rationally, that this belief is not just foolhardy but dangerous, but I no longer think I've shaken myself of it...
How many of the girls that I've snubbed over the past two years have I turned away because, deep down, I was terrified that they would never need me? And how terribly unfair is that, huh? It's stupid, ridiculous, and even cruel of me to be attracted to intelligent, independent, dynamic girls, and then go ahead and back out because I'm afraid that those very qualities will prevent them from wanting to stay with me?
Ultimately, it's a deep-seated failure of self-esteem on my part. I back out because I'm afraid of being hurt when I commit myself wholly to them and then discover that, ultimately, I'm unable to hold their interest.
I want to give Cray his silly self back, I want to rediscover his independence, and it worries me to think that the only way to do that may be to break him up from Mede for a while, until he recreates himself in my mind. He needs to change; like all characters, he has developed himself in my mind in a manner that is almost independent of my design, but he is me, more so than almost any other character in my mental cast of thousands, and he needs to be like me once more.
As for my own problems... *shrug*
posted by Nate at 5:40 PM
5 Comments:
i found this post immensely fascinating.
Yes, yes, I'm psychotic and putting it on display for the whole world to see. Move along.
Don't be such a drama queen. If this was a neurotic post I would applaud you for your cool composure in examining your own character quirks. But I meant more the framing whereby you gain insight into yourself through interpretation of your art. I suppose I could take issue with putting it on display but hey that's what online journals are for. So in fact, I tip my hat to you for writing a self-reflective post that was not overly self-indulgent and whiny but rather well-thought-out and level-headed.
Actually, my comment was meant to be in a jovial, self-mocking tone. Curse the internet for distorting my inoffensive meaning!
STOP WITH THE SELF MOCKING. YOU'RE KILLING BABIES. LOVE YOURSELF AND BABIES LIVE. BUT NOT TOO MUCH. 'CAUSE THEN THERE BE NO BABIES. SO WATCH IT. MISTER.
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